Joyce Meyers changed me at 6a.m. this morning, her subject was "Forgiveness". She said, "hurt people, hurt people". she strummed my heart with words identical regarding my own angry outburst and pain I'd carried about my clueless, abusive and disdainful parents. Her father also raped her and I felt my hear lighten. I consciously forgave everyone instantly and thanked God for accepting my pain.
All my relationships came to mind. The users, abusers, liars and addicts. I realize I've never known a decent man. I'd never intimately loved a person that had not used or hurt me. This time my retrospect brought no tears, no anger and I did not curse.
Yesterday, at church, God was praised when I described my lil' sister accepting my apology. I was changed to peaceful immediately. My church friends praised me for recognizing my own need to ask her to forgive me. I had allowed my grief over Mommy's death to cause a 20 year separation between us.
I felt no need to blame Angel for culpability, it was no game, I've needed her for so long and I felt washed in mellow. I extended that grace to all who have beat, raped, lied to and hurt me. I awoke today before 2a.m.; cleaned my entire studio, dishes, floors, windows and my heart.
I arrived at the V.A. clinic at 7a.m. to wash my clothes and while waiting I felt happily calm. An idol I'd worked with, a Phd Psychologist walked past me without a word. I thought to myself; "if only she'd done the same November, a year ago in the shadows of the Tenderloin, animosity would not have separated us, as she tried to help me grow. Aloud, out of audible reach I was sarcastic. I did not curse and I thanked God I felt no anger, the pain was gone.As with David, I only felt loss. A vacant longing for what was and could have been and I let it go.
Some people we learn love by embracing, others by releasing. No need to justify or blame, mere recognition of life paths that should not pass again. memories to learn from and grow away with.